Someone please help me, I have lost myself real bad and I don't want to go on!?

I have a massive headache and I can't make sense of living anymore!!!!!

I'm fourteen

I don't think I have a mental problem, there is none in my family history that I know of.

I have a nice home and family life. Although, friendship was a challenge for me.

When I hit middle school, I was bullied really bad by a girl who used to be my best friend. She was jealous and wanted me to be upset all the time. I let her win and I spent days upset and hating life.



It ended badly. She is now really really popular and sucks up to everyone. She is really loud. I know the truth but everyone falls for her stupid lies. I moved on and this year I go to a different school. Since she is so popular everyone knows her, so its quite annoying. I have to put up with her everyday at the bus stops and that. She gives me the meanest looks :( we haven't spoken in like two years ;/ and I don't want to ever!



Anyway, I have developed a weird thing where I have these annoying thoughts that come into my mind. They haunt me and make my life miserable. I will try my best to describe the thought, but you will probably think I am a crazy person..I probably am..



I lately have been thinking ';How to start conversations and how they change and why we are talking about this certain topic'; Like lets say we are freezing usually we would say ';Oh its so cold'; but ';Why don't we say something like ';I got my ears pierced..'; like what we say effects our lifes.

This is going on in my head all day, like I forgotten how to socialise and live. Do I talk about the present, past or future. When or where? This is confusing me. Will we ever run out of things to say?

This is so hard, I have headaches and my head is burning. I felt like I was going to faint today and its sad because my new friends at this school, I barely speak to, because I don't know how to be myself. I cry every night and I don't want to live anymore. This thought is ruining me. It also started, with this girl I sit next to everyday in my homeroom in my new middle school. We have to try and get to know each other, but its not working. I can't think of a conversation to start and when I try it ends. I hate it. So I wonder how popular people are always talking and how there is no awkward pauses. Please this is ruining my life, I want to die. Seriously I really do!



:(

Also I want advice, I don't want to speak to anyone.Someone please help me, I have lost myself real bad and I don't want to go on!?
I understand what you're going through and I don't say that to sympathise, I say it to empathise. I know those thoughts, the ones where you panic and become lost as to what to say, as if there is a certain time or moment you're supposed to say something but you've already missed you're chance and the way the awkwardness takes over and the person just turns away from you and begins to speak to you less. I know it. I also know that you don't want to talk to anyone, but sadly, we have to be involved in conversation to get anywhere in life. Those happy, popular kids, they don't understand the concept of 'isolation' or these thoughts. People like us, we begin to really hate those kids. The ones who seem to know it all. Know what to say, know how to act, even knowing how to place themselves.



The only real advice I guess I could give you is, to create your own little world. Create it, then live in it each day, in your mind when you're in times of need. If something becomes awkward and the person turns away and ceases to talk to you and you're thinking about how to start the conversation again then stare at something perhaps and zoom into that world. Make it a whatever world. Think about the most literal things. Stare at the ceiling perhaps and think about the architecture. Become one with your mind, sit on the sidelines and observe. It's like creating a protection shield around yourself where no-one can harm you and no-one can truly reach you.



Someone might ask, 'what's wrong with you?' and you'll be able to smile slightly and say 'nothing' then return to that world. it isn't healing, it's relaxing. it's knowing that nothing can harm you, it's knowing that you're leader in that place. You know? Counsellors and so on are going to say that this is bad advice or non-helpful advice and they're going to counteract it with questions such as 'and what are you going to do when that protection bubble pops?', etc, but really, that bubble never ever pops. it's in your mind. no-one can kill that world. not god, not anyone.



good luck.Someone please help me, I have lost myself real bad and I don't want to go on!?
hey please don't ever think about killing yourself or so ,life is a very precious thing that god has gifted us and dont bother about that girl let her do whatever she wants to do, dont bother about the wolrd do what your heart says. meditate when you are overthinking, just concentrate on your breaths and be cool, don't let anybody over your mind and life. and dont overreact to that girl. dont let her know about your feelings that you dont like her words or many thing . start making new friends, go and start the conversation like '; hello have you completed your assignments, hey will you be my friend and bla........, be a strong girl and a friendly one also, dont make friends using the power of money, do it on your own will.